Instant Savings!

Today is a good day to save. I have been feeling the you-will-be-out-of-a-job-soon-what-are-you-going-to-do anxiety squeeze that comes every three weeks before my gig ends. As usual, I haven't saved any money. I watched this very helpful segment on Anderson Coopers talk show(which should really be cancelled) and it told me about saving money and the four week journey it takes to save. 

Here's my problem: like everyone in the world I owe a lot of people. When I have a steady income I like to pay those people as much as I can because I know when I don't have a steady income I will not be able to pay them anything and the cycle will start all over again. My second problem is familial responsibility. I want my family to be as stable as I am when I am stable so I tend to help them out with "extra". The thing is I don't have any extra. That extra should be going to the bill collectors, rent, or my personal savings(which stands at $11....and as stood there for at least two weeks so I am a little proud). 

I feel guilty if I don't help out and I feel inadequate and small when that inevitable time comes that someone I owe wants their money and I can't give it to them or when I just simply can't pay my rent. 

So, I am going to try something different. Somebody said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. I am going to do something different and hope for different result. 

I do that same thing because it's what I know, it's comfortable to me and I think I have some control over my life because I do know the outcome, even though the outcome is terrible. A lot of this blog for me is also about change. Can I really change the habits and person I am to gain something better. Will something better come along or will I be in the same rut? Does it even matter? I have a friend who refuses to loose weight because she feels that it will not change her life in any way: guys will still ignore her and she will still feel unloved and unwanted. I think I am operating under the same notion with my monetary habits. This idea that no matter what I do it won't change my socio-economic status so why change it, why be different. 

Well, that foundational habitual thought process has only made me a gerbil on a wheel built by my own hands. So here's to deconstructing the wheel. 

My first task is a big one: I get paid tomorrow. The usual habit is to pay off over/almost due bills, buy food and wine and give to my family until all the money runs out. Well not this time mates! I have a task set before me to save $50 out of that check. It's seems small but if you know me you know that it is the equivalent of running a marathon. 

There is also the spiritual side of this habitual thought. I am not talking about Jesus. I am talking about the deep seeded kernel of thought that keeps eeking up at me that I will never achieve the goals I set. I will always be at the whim and call of something/one higher than me and that's life I should just accept and keep it moving. That little kernel (which lets face it is really a Boulder) is fear and I am feeling it and I will move forward with my plan. 

And I will let you know how it went in the next blog.